Where’s my minority money???

Or, Why One Should Never Listen to Patrons:

Mr. OldGuy, a curmudgeon if I ever saw one, who is here on nearly a daily basis and passes gas that smells like he is already dead, says that the census exists only to find out where the minorities are. To give them money. Why didn’t I know about this? I’m all for any government conspiracy that actually benefits me, since those are few and far between.