Because I’m so big on apologies

Joe Barton would like to apologize. Since, you know, the GOP made him apologize for the apology that he issued to BP.

Remember kids: pandering will only get you so far.

Friend abuse or alcohol abuse? It’s too close to call…

I haven’t had a Smirnoff Ice since the early 2000’s. I’d feel ashamed to admit that, but I’m sure that at some point we’ve all drunk something that we’d just as soon forget. In my defense, I was young and stupid, and SI looked really cool after you threw in a Skittle or two.

But I’m wondering what excuse people have now for this Icing thing I read about on Gothamist. (I really want to make a “young people” joke, but I’m pretty sure that most Gothamist people are my contemporaries.) The New York Times regards it as a form of viral marketing, which it certainly could be, but why would you do this? Smirnoff Ice stuff is vile. Its color-changing properties are the beginning and end of its awesomeness. My advice for summer get-togethers: save your friendships and buy some better alcohol (which you should still not force one another to consume).

Some things should just go without saying

It’s never a good idea to tattoo a toddler, especially if that toddler isn’t even your child.

You were born in Puerto Rico. Your existence is invalid.

“Y is a fact, [so] your x is invalid,” is only funny when y = something silly and x = your argument. Then we’re talking about the meme most likely to crack me up. Infinitely less hilarious is when y = you were born in Puerto Rico and x = your birth certificate. Then we’re talking about millions of people being utterly screwed.

The problem is that Puerto Rican birth certificates are somehow extra ripe for being spoofed, forged, and otherwise used for nefarious purposes. The US State Department and Department of Homeland Security estimate that around 40% of forged US passports were obtained using birth certificates from Puerto Rico. That’s obviously a very serious and scary thing. The government’s solution, though, seems particularly ham-fisted: they’re simply going to invalidate any Puerto Rican birth certificate issued before July 1, 2010.

From my reading of the article, it seems that a large part of the problem is the way that birth certificates are passed along to and for in Puerto Rican society. From the end of the article:

Only 45,622 children were born in Puerto Rico in 2008, according to the National Center for Health Statistics. But more than 860,000 certified copies of birth certificates were issued by the Puerto Rican Office of Vital Statistics the same year, according to the Office of Management and Budget.

That is an insane discrepancy between people born and birth certificate copies issued. Over the course of a lifetime, so many people in Puerto Rico request extra copies of their own and their children’s birth certificates, and really have no idea where the extras are now. Of course unscrupulous people are using Puerto Rican birth certificates; well-meaning citizens have made things easy for them by having so many extra copies of real birth certificates floating around. If that doesn’t change, will the goverment’s new measures make any difference in the long run?

Let it go, you lost

Dear Bob McDonnell,

If you would stop bending over backwards to commemorate a violent, racist legacy that has been tirelessly whitewashed (yeah, I said it) and romanticized, you wouldn’t have to apologize for omitting any related mention of slavery.

You’re welcome.

**

I googled Confederacy links to include in this post, but many of them made me want to vomit, weep, or perhaps vomit while weeping, so I’ll just skip those today.

Please help keep me in books and yarn* – Permanent for now

I know that this isn’t about me at all, but I feel that a little selfishness is allowed, as I will be directly affected if Governor Christie’s proposed budget is passed. As it stands, this budget would cut 74% of New Jersey library funding. By any accounting, that is an insane amount of money, even though the $10 million in library programs cut from the Governor’s budget represents little more than $1 per person in state funds.

What you can do:

• Become a NJ library champion
• Become a BCCLS (Bergen County) library champion
• Contact your legislators online (scroll down)
• Send a letter to your legislators Related: Find out who your legislators are
• Who doesn’t like a good rally? Join the May 6 rally for libraries in sexy Trenton, NJ
• Join the “Save New Jersey Libraries” Facebook Group. This is one of the most visible and least useful ways to support something, so make sure you do at least one or two of the other things, as well.

* Those are my vices, although I will admit that they’re not nearly as exciting as hookers and blow.

Where’s my minority money???

Or, Why One Should Never Listen to Patrons:

Mr. OldGuy, a curmudgeon if I ever saw one, who is here on nearly a daily basis and passes gas that smells like he is already dead, says that the census exists only to find out where the minorities are. To give them money. Why didn’t I know about this? I’m all for any government conspiracy that actually benefits me, since those are few and far between.

No child left behind

Except this one. Oy.

The Figure Skating equivalent of the Internet Tough Guy

There are a few accepted pursuits that will allow a man to be considered manly whilst wearing spandex. They are: superhero, cyclist, swimmer (yes, please). Figure skating is not considered to be a very manly pursuit. It’s aimed at female audiences, and pretty much every guy I know will give at least a token grumble when it’s put on tv. So I can’t even explain how much I love what a baby Evgeni Plushenko is being about not having won the gold medal. He refused to shake the hand of Evan Lysacek, who did win the gold, and then made the following remarks:

“I was positive that I won. But I saw that Evan needs a medal more than I do. Maybe because I already have one.”

and

“If the Olympic champion doesn’t know how to jump a quad, I don’t know,” Plushenko said. “Now it’s not men’s figure skating. It’s dancing. Maybe figure skating needs a new name.”

Let’s consider this: a disgruntled figure skater is talking smack? I do not question the athleticism required by figure skating, but seriously?? You are not that hardcore, buddy.

Thanks, TSA

I think the TSA keeps doing really stupid things because they know I’m too lazy to look for good posting material. Anyway, this time they detained a college student who was set to board a flight for having Arabic-language flash cards. How do they think that native English speakers are going to learn Arabic? Magic?

Let’s all sigh and shake our heads sadly.