Somebody’s maturing, but I can’t say who

A year and some change ago, when she was still heard from all the time, I might have expressed a conservative amount of glee at the fact that Ann Coulter has broken her jaw. Mean, I know, but I’ve never pretended to be that nice. But the thing is, Ann has either mellowed, or people have stopped reporting on her nastiness, or maybe I’m just growing up, but this news makes me feel bad for her. A broken jaw seems like a horrific injury, and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody.

Also, after hearing all the untrained, unfocused vitriolic craziness that was passed off as cogent political commentary during the election cycle, I actually missed Ann a bit. She can be horribly mean and play to people’s worst fears, but she does it with a kind of style. I think that people know by now that Ann Coulter loves being reported on in the media she pretends to abhor, and therefore tend to take even the nastiest things she says with a grain of salt because of it. Plus, she has been known to talk a bit of smack about Republicans too, while a lot of the new breed seem to find Republicans to be above the type of scrutiny they direct toward Democrats. Unlike other conservative and Republican commentators, Coulter never seems like a psycho ranter; lots of people, myself included, often doubt that she means a lot of the horrible things that she says. People have even questioned whether “Ann Coulter” isn’t the best bit of performance art since Andy Kaufman, as Ann-the-person seems infinitely more likable and sensible than Ann-the-commentator. Even to people who should know better, Ann Coulter often comes off as too reasonable to be as deluded as her words would have you think. Did anybody ever believe that about Sarah Palin? Not that I’ve heard. In fact, I feel it’s much more likely that Governor Palin has deep reserves of crazy that she hasn’t even drilled into yet.

So: Godspeed, Ann. I wish you the most painless and quick recovery possible, and look forward to the day when the sight of you opening your mouth once again annoys me.

Yay for productivity

I took this week off of work to decompress and just relax, and I told myself that today I would either knit or clean. You’d think that would be an obvious choice, but by 11:30 I still hadn’t done anything, so I made myself lunch and then set to cleaning my room. It took several hours, because my books all feel in love and bred it seems like, but I finally saw FLOOR at 3:45. Then, just for the hell of it, I changed my sheets and comforter. My room is never going to be spotless because 1) I’m neat, but not obsessive and 2) I’ve condensed a large part of an entire apartment’s contents into one room.

So I guess now there’s nothing stopping me from working on that blanket. I think I shall have to tell myself that if I don’t finish another color set on the blanket (probably 16 rows at this point), I will not be allowed to go out and play tomorrow. I may cheat a bit, though, since I’m going to a knitting meetup tomorrow, and it only makes sense to bring my major project along. BUT, I will have to do a needle/yarn inventory first, so that I don’t end up buying something I already own.

lolXtians

I don’t often post about knitting on this blog, but I saw something too funny not to share. I just finished making a pair of mittens for my nephew, and the drastic drop in temperature has convinced me that I need to make a pair for myself, too. I wanted to make a pair of convertible mittens, because although traditional mittens are warmer than gloves, they allow for less mobility of the fingers; I would hate to have to pull off a mitten to reach into my bag for something. I was browsing different mittens patterns on Ravelry, and found a reference to “Mittens of the Beast.” I had no idea what that meant, but the name itself is hilarious, so I Googled it and found this blog, which in turn linked to thisgem of a post.

It sounds too stupid to be true, but a Christian knitter saw a pattern for a pair of mittens that included a pocket on top for a Charlie card and wrote a post on the Ravelry forums about how these mittens were for those who had had their skin embedded with RFID chips. She based this incorrect assumption on an unnamed broadcast she claims to have heard that talked specifically about a mittens pattern for those who had been embedded with an RFID chip. One interpretation of the Book of Revelation states that a time will come when people will have to take some form of microchip in order to buy or sell things in this world. This is known as the mark of the beast, and will separate the believers from the hellbait.

Barring how impractical it would be for any municipal transit corp to embed some people with chips when the current crop of plastic cards don’t even work all the time, think about it: why would someone who already had an RFID chip embedded in his or her body need an external pocket in a mitten to somehow speed along the identification process? How could an extra layer of anything between the chip and the sensor be considered as desirable? This is why people should only denigrate technology that they actually understand. This same principle applies to PC users who wander into Mac threads on Engadget. See what I did there?

The thread on the Ravlery forum in which this discussion appeared is still hilarious to read, nearly a year after the fact (you will have to be Ravelry member to read the forum). It’s now closed, but after the first few Reading is Fundamental types agreed with the original poster’s interpretation of the pattern, some cooler heads prevailed and pointed out the exact purpose of the pocket. Of course, idiocy means never having to say you’re sorry, so no genuine apology or expression of remorse followed, although she did admit that she was wrong about this particular heathen pattern. Several people actually pointed out that this kind of thing is why some non-Christians get such a kick out of laughing at illogical, religious Christians, and why evangelicals get such a bad rap.

Anyway, I know that there is a dedicated subset of Christians who live for opportunities to tie the current world to the end of times (DUN DUN DUH!!!!), but these people (and their unbowed descendants) have been wrong for over 150 years, and I’m starting to think they may be trying too hard to connect unrelated things. In order to help them along, I leave them with one bit of advice.The book is called Revelation. I know you’ve been saying it with an extra “s” all these years, mostly because you’ve never read it, but I’m sure that, with practice, you, too can learn the name of your holy book’s final testament. If all else fails, just remember the commercials for 1-800-Mattres: Leave off the last “s” for sinners.

The story behind these mittens amuse me so much that I believe I will be making myself a pair.

More terrifying than the original

I never got those Toyota “Saved by Zero” ads. How is 0% financing going to save you if you probably shouldn’t be buying a car in the first place? I mean, I guess you’ll appreciate the extra three months before it gets repossessed, but you know that buying a car in this economic climate probably wasn’t a good idea in the first place. Plus, that song is just horrible. So annoying. I don’t usually look up during commercials, so it took me a long time to even understand what was being said. “Day five zero?” Probably not, but that was the strongest contender early on.

Anyway, I’ve come to learn that I’m not the only person who find these commercials ridiculous. Consumerist posted a pretty hilarious mashup of these commercials with the horror movie The Ring. Enjoy.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5fTfv7SCi0]

Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?

Remember Stephen Lewis, the Murfreesboro Free Press columnist who thought it would be hilarious to rewrite the theme song to The Jeffersons with the Obamas in mind? Well, as the person who commented on my post mentioned, in addition to reworking songs and ridiculing the accents of naturalized Americans in his free time, Mr. Lewis spends his days as a principal of an elementary school. Oh goody, because he is exactly who I want overseeing the next generation! (Overseeing! See what I did there?)

It seems that, in addition to the apology published by the editor of the Free Press, Mr. Lewis emailed his own tepid apology to the parents of those children who attend his school.

Although my hobby as a columnist is not connected directly to my position as principal I should have known better than to attempt to find humor in a subject so sensitive to so many. With all of that being said, I truly apologize to those of you who were offended by my comments.

What an apology, huh? I’m guessing that the school board or whoever actually hired him told him to write that. It certainly doesn’t sound heartfelt. To me, it sounds a lot like, “I’m sorry you overly sensitive whiners can’t take a joke.” I still really cannot believe that anybody would be dumb enough to write that column, but especially somebody who works with diverse populations every day and knows about the standards to which educators are held. How could this have seemed like a good idea? It would have been a terrible thing just to forward to a few friends, so how much more boneheaded was it to submit it for publication in a newspaper? You have to wonder about some people.

For those people who were directed to this post because of its title, George said that in an episode of Seinfeld, a show I generally don’t care about at all, but which I find selectively quotable.

I’m sensing a pattern here

I enjoy fiction. A lot. Some of my more outspoken colleagues openly question my love of fiction, and others just kind of give me sidelong looks, but I don’t care. I can sit down and enjoy a good non-fiction book just as much as the next nerd, but fiction is where my heart lives.

I have several stacks of “To be read” books in my room, but when I’m at work, I usually wander over to the New Book section to see what piques my interest. One of the books that I found this way was The Sleeping Beauty Proposal by Sarah Strohmeyer. This book is obviously marketed to women, and specifically those who have an interest in chick lit. I have absolutely nothing against the genre. Sometimes what you want is a book with some humor, romance, and vicarious fun that is not ONLY about romance.

I thought the book was funny, but I was bothered by how the main character tells a lie to save face, and then spends the rest of the novel telling larger and less justifiable lies to maintain her initial fiction. I definitely understand wanting to preserve your pride or trying to avoid looking foolish, but pretty early on, the deception crosses over into something else. I think that a lot of people can understand why Genie, the protagonist, would pretend that she is the person to whom her boyfriend proposed (over the phone) on live television, but then she gets more and more ridiculous as the book goes on. She buys a fake engagement ring, registers for stuff, and instead of trying to make some sort of graceful extrication, merely digs herself deeper and deeper into a mess.

I’ve been reading a lot of fantasy books lately (such as novels by Rachel Vincent, Mercedes Lackey, C. E. Murphy, and Sharon Shinn), so maybe I’m not just used to some of the conventions of other fiction anymore, but I really hate how reliant Strohmeyer’s protagonists are on dishonesty. I just started another of her novels, The Cinderella Pact. This novel also features a protagonist, Nola, who orchestrates a fiction that she then spends the rest of the rest of the book (so far) lying to maintain.

I don’t lie in order to get promotions, or to impress men, or really much at all (except to my nephew, and who doesn’t love lying to little kids??), and it disturbs me to see that dishonesty is sort of portrayed in these books as a functional way of life. I know, I know that the ends of these books have the heroines, their friends, and the fabulously wealthy romantic partners they’ve managed to snag along the way all chuckling and shaking their heads over the lies that were so recently such a large part of their lives, but this doesn’t ring true to me at all. I like my fiction to have a sort of internal consistency. And if it all ends up with everybody being understanding (after they’ve cooled off) and even admiring (However did you manage to maintain such a ruse for so long!), then why all the subterfuge to begin with?

I guess I’m probably thinking too much about these books, but I do think it’s kind of ridiculous how much effort both protagonists put into creating and maintaining an ever-growing amount of lies, all in the name of (financial, professional, romantic, personal) progress.

How to Use Multiclutch

I think I’ve written before about my love for MultiClutch, but if I didn’t, here goes: I LOVE MULTICLUTCH. It’s a smart piece of software that I am finding invaluable. The only thing is, it doesn’t really come with instructions, and most of the places where I’ve seen it referenced assume that you will know exactly how to use it. This wasn’t the case with me, and maybe it’s not for everybody else, either. I saw that an Engadget reader posted a MultiClutch question in one of the Mac threads there, so I’m going to use his (or her) question as a way to give people an idea of how you would use MultiClutch on further thought, I think that the action requested is impossible, but since I spent all this time explaining how to use MultiClutch, I’ll post the following anyway. I’ll use Firefox as an example.

How to Set Up and Use MultiClutch

1) Open System Preferences and bring up Multiclutch.
2) Note that on the left side of the MultiClutch window, where it says Application, there are Plus and Minus signs on the bottom. Click on the Plus sign, and add Firefox to your Application list.
3) For the sake of this example, let’s say that we want to go to the previous tab when we rotate to the left. On the right side of the window, where it says Gesture, choose “Rotate Left”. Once you’ve done that, go to the Key Command part of that section, where it shows a generic key combination. Click in that box so that you can edit, and then actually type out the keyboard combination that you would normally use to accomplish your desired action in Firefox (CTRL SHIFT TAB). The box should now show the correct key combination in symbol form. Once you’ve done that, close the program, and the next time you open Firefox, that gesture will perform that action.

I will say that I think the closing program thing may only be necessary when configuring non-native programs, because I didn’t have to close Safari to get it to register the gestures I programmed. I hope this helps somebody!

Some good news!

I was worried about Life’s prospects when I heard that NBC had canceled My Own Worst Enemy and Lipstick Jungle, but apparently I wasn’t paying enough attention to the news coming down the wire. Before axing those two shows, NBC had already given Life a full-season order. Awesom! Let’s hope the show can do well enough in its timeslot to come back for a third season! I love Damian Lewis and Sarah Shahi to bits, and want their show to succeed!

I’m enjoying a lot of things this season, but many of the things I don’t like all fall into one category: romance. I don’t know if this show just doesn’t need it at all, or if I just think all its attempts up until now have been pretty unconvincing. I don’t believe that Charlie should have anything to do with Jennifer, his ex-wife. At the very least, she is just one more person who wasn’t there for him when he needed her. Also, I kind of suspect her of being evil and somehow related to what happened to Charlie (although she did warn him when that teacher posed as a reporter and asked her questions about Charlie). Anyhow, just going on what we know up until this point, I do not think it’s realistic to believe that Charlie’s remarried ex-wife has his best interest at heart, or that anything between the two of them is going to end well.

Also, I think that Reese should stay 100 feet away from Tidwell at all times. 1) The man looks like he does not bathe (Dear Donal Logue: please make your character less vile); 2) He is her boss and that cannot be a good idea; 3) He is ridiculous (the tics, the rudeness, the stunning callousness); 4) Sarah Shahi is as hot as the fire of a thousand suns, and should be with a similarly awesome guy (what’s Bradley Cooper doing these days? A little Alias reunion would be sweet).

Finally, what the hell is going on with Ted and Olivia, Charlie’s dad’s fiancée? I will admit that Christina Hendricks and her impressive bosom are pretty sweet, but what is this storyline all about? We know nothing about Charlie’s dad, and haven’t even met him yet, but we’ve seen said missing father’s intended how many times now? Okay, so Charlie is avoiding her. But wouldn’t that make her even less likely to come around? You can’t change the mind of somebody you can’t pin down. But then what’s the story with Ted? I guess a romance between these two is not entirely implausible, seeing as she obviously has a thing for old dudes, but because I don’t understand Olivia, the whole thing seems suspect. I guess I can understand why Ted just come out with, “Hey Charlie, I kissed your dad’s fiancée during that earthquake,” but why would he have neglected to mention her presence at all? And lied about how the pencil got out of his hand. Was Ted always this bad at lying? Maybe that’s why he ended up in prison. Plus, even if I did finally understand and maybe support a Ted-Olivia, Christina Hendricks is kicking ass and taking names over at Mad Men, and how often could we really expect her to show up on Life?

I’m a miss Capucine!

Voilà deux vidéos de Capucine, une jolie petite fille francaise qui a gagné beaucoup d’adoration sur l’Internet par raconter une histoire originale tres amusante…wait! This is my English blog. So sorry. Anyway, here are two videos of Capucine, the adorable little French girl whose convoluted story of lions, mammoths, animal suicide and heaven rejection is currently tearing up the Internet. The first video is of said story, and the second is of her showing off her newly acquired English. Although her story is hilarious (and good for practicing my French), I actually prefer the second video, because her English version of Frère Jacques sounds like my nephew’s attempts at the French version: the first verse is more or less coherent, but the second is a mishmash of confused Franglais and is just hilarious. Then, just when you think that the song has slipped completely out of their grasp, they reel it back in with a triumphant “ding dang dong!” This video reminds me that I need to record Satanski’s attempt at this song, as all of my other blackmail material is getting old.

[vimeo 2113477]

[vimeo 1876895]

Lighten up, Francis.

My mom is understandably super happy about Obama’s win. It really shows her how far we as a nation have come. My mother grew up in segregated South Carolina. Only her youngest brother (last of my grandparents’ 10 surviving children), ever went to school with white children, and then I think only in the last few years of high school. So my mom doesn’t hate anybody, but still has comfort issues around white people. She doesn’t really hang out with any, and I think that, to her, my having so many white friends is a source of confusion, amusement, and perhaps a little bit of pride (she’s happy that I don’t have the same bad associations that she does).

So anyway, I received all of these really uplifting, corny, cheesy, vaguely messianic emails from her about Barack Obama going into the election, and the volume, corniness, cheesiness, and messianic undertones have all increased since his win. Just like everybody else on the Internet, I have seen Patrick Moberg‘s illustration pretty much everywhere since November 4.

And now you've seen it, too!

But by now we all know that too much saccharine sentiment in our diets can lead to an irony deficiency, so here are two covers that I prefer to a lot of things my mom has sent me (predictably, she hated them). They’re from the Chicago Reader. The Obama cover is the one they went with (for obvious reasons), but they had the McCain cover all ready just in case.