How Disappointing

I read the headline “Sumo Ganger Ring Busted” and pictured a group of awesomely large sumo wrestlers who moonlighted as gangsters. They’d probably get whatever they wanted whenever they wanted it, because their sheer bulk would engender enough fear that they wouldn’t have to harm anybody. Who wouldn’t be afraid of massive figures of organized crime??? Alas, that’s now what happened at all. This is merely a boring article about Sumo wrestling coaches who gave ringside seats to gangsters. From the movies (and the news, to a much lesser degree) I know that Japanese gangsters are scary and lethal, and not a bit like the large and non-violent Sumo gangsters of my imagination. Pity.

Awesome

Update: The video that I linked to has been removed from Youtube, but f you haven’t seen it, you can do a google search. Suggested keywords: Justin Bieber, door, glass, lolz, etc.

I will go back to ignoring his existence in a minute, but this video of Justin Bieber walking into a glass door is too funny to miss.

I know, I’m a jerk.

Capital idea

I wish that somebody would do this at the mall now.  The lanes there could be divided into “people looking for one specific thing so they can get the hell out of this zoo” and “people who move like they have all day.”

Crimes against poodle-manity

People do some very bad things in the name of pet grooming.

Yikes

In the course of trying to understand the implications of the UK’s recent elections, I followed a link to a site about the British monarchy. Let’s just say that these people are not at all fans of the Windsors.

You should probably not sue your comedian daughter/sister-in-law for making jokes about you. If you do, your lawsuit is going to be dismissed, she’s going to make more jokes about you, and judges/complete strangers are going to join in. And what’s that? Your son/brother’s law firm is the one that defended her? The next round of holidays is going to be awkward.

Not the Onion II

I don’t even understand how this is a real headline: Knox Jolie-Pitt Looks Like His Parents

Is the volcanic ash no longer sexy, now that transatlantic flights have resumed? Did the Pirates’ 20 – 0 drubbing at the hands of the Brewers not do it for the folks at The Huffington Post? I’m wracking my brain here for an explanation of this completely obvious headline that looks for all the world like it belongs at The Onion. Possible headline: Biological Child of Famous People Resembles His Parents

What  I find more interesting is that they failed to note that he inherited his Republican grandfather’s political leanings, as evidenced by the pro-NRA gesture he’s making.

But can the Proclaimers do this???

What does Sottish rap sound like? No, that’s not the set-up of a joke. The answer is, “Who really knows?” This interview with Gavin Bain tells the story of two talented Scottish rappers (Bain and Billy Boyd) who were mocked and laughed at when they performed in their native accent. Moving to the United States, inventing new biographies for themselves, and pretending to be American got them the recognition they couldn’t get before. I love a good hoax story, but the underlying prejudice that allowed (forced?) them to do this is pretty awful. Still, I cannot believe how many people they got to believe them. To paraphrase Bain, you can indeed kid a kidder.

Sirs, I salute your commitment to political discourse

…but question your choice of venue.

Sarah+Michele 4eva!

I feel like the universe should probably have imploded upon the recent convergence of Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann upon the unsuspecting voters of Minnesota. I think they violated natural laws about how many concurrent examples you could have of 10 pounds of crazy fitting into a five pound bag. The woman at the end of that article is wrong, though: I’m not threatened by the fact that Palin and Bachmann are successful women. My lack of respect for them stems from the fact that they say crazy and dangerous things which, sadly, is exactly why many people love them. Their sex isn’t of any interest to me, and jeebus knows there are more than enough loony toons male politicians out there.

I’m upset with The Wall Street Journal for taking my favorite imaginary band name (Bachmann-Palin Overdrive) and making it into the headline for a rather run-of-the-mill story. Fools! You need to save that kind of awesomeness for your A-material. No wonder print journalism is dying. Also, I’m not sure whether the idea of Palin-Bachmann 2010 is more amusing, or more frightening than just about everything else ever. It’s a thin line, folks. (Although I already know what should obviously be their theme song.)

I think that somebody could make a reality show of these two saying “Alaska” and “Minnesota” non-stop. I’d DVR the crap out of that program. Oh dear god, the accents! If these two had to exist and come from anywhere, I’m happy that it’s states with such interesting-sounding names. And then Tina Fey and her Mini-Me could spend hours and hours mocking them on SNL. I’d watch that, too.

I so often enjoy the world in my head much more than the one that I’m physically inhabiting.