Oh please, oh please, oh please…

My buddy, Sarah Palin, has decided to step down from her post as governor of Alaska. Initially, people thought that this might be to give her time to get her act together, so that she could run for president in 2012. And, seriously: how sweet would that be? With Palin as the Republican nominee, Obama could introduce Hookers and Blow Tuesdays in the Oval Office and still beat her handily.

The timing of this announcement can only be called curious; much like Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey’s announcement of their divorce immediately prior to Thanksgiving, Ms. Palin’s July 3 press conference seems like nothing so much as an attempt to dodge as much of the media as possible during this holiday break. The Mudflats, a web site from Alaska that I visited a few times during the presidential election, linked to a transcript of Ms. Palin’s speech and provided some speculation as to why she would step down as governor (rhymes with “skimbezzlement”).

I wonder, too, if this has anything to do with the tell-all book about Ms. Palin that is being written by Steve Schmidt, her former campaign strategist (and the guy who picked her to run with John McCain; do we really trust his judgment anymore??); Gawker had a juicy tidbit from it the other day, and if the rest of it is as forehead-slappingly stupid as this bit, no wonder the woman wants out before publication. Gawker also speculates as to why the Alaska governor decided to resign her post.

Doing a quick look around the tubes and twitter, it seems that trouble with the IRS is the most prevalent theory. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

Please stop laughing

Sadly enough, this article is real, and not something thought up by the good folks over at The Onion. That’s right, folks: more Liberty University/evolution class silliness, this time brought to you by the Washington Post. Because it wasn’t embarrassing enough when the local Lynchburg paper was doing the reporting. Professor DeWitt, from the earlier article, takes his Advanced Creation Studies class to the Smithsonian, and complains how only one side is presented. Please explain to me how advanced any theory can be that essentially boils down to “A wizard did it.” If I went to Liberty, though, I would definitely take that series of classes. Sounds like an easy A for sure, as long as the words creator, infinite wisdowm, and divine plan figure prominently in all responses to essay questions. The Washington Post article’s subtitle makes me so sad: Creationist Students Take Field Trip to Hotbed of Evolution: The Smithsonian. When your real life would make a suitably humorous Onion headline, it might be time to reevaluate the road that led you to that point.

Read all instructions before writing anything

Did you ever take that test in school, where the teacher told you to read every instruction before writing anything? My eighth grade social studies teacher gave that one to us, and I was reading the whole thing and getting nervous, because while I was fretting about coming back to the seemingly-difficult math question at the top, I noticed that people in the class were already writing. And then, when I got to the end of the 20 questions, I read: “Write only your name at the top of the paper. Do not answer any other question.” I felt much better, and was silently laughing all all the yahoos who’d started to answer the hard questions above without ever reading that they need only write their name to complete the test.

Well, today I’m that yahoo. I received an email from a coworker. I usually ignore everything that she sends me, because they’re usually about jobs, and I already have one (I get creeped out by somebody I work with constantly trying to push me to get another job, although she seems to think I’m really smart and swears that she just thinks I could do better), but this one I actually read. It was about the Corporate Fellowship at Wake Forest U’s Babcock School, in which minority students can receive an MBA free (plus expenses are paid). It sounded good, so I read the brochure attached in the email, thought it still seemed pretty sweet, and then started my application.

I rounded up my GRE scores (kept in the same box as a bunch of casserole recipes and a Great Adventure ticket good for the entire 2007 season), spent most of today sprucing up my resume, and then prepared to write the essays required. I didn’t get to them yet, but went back to the Babcock School web site to get inspiration. I decided to read more about the Fellowship, and that’s when I read that it is open only to those who have graduated from college within the last 12 months. I finished undergrad in 2003, and finished my master’s in 2006, so I definitely don’t qualify in that respect.

I emailed one of the program directors to see if the lack of applicants would allow them to overlook my extreme oldness, and consider my application anyway, since I meet every other qualification. I am still waiting to hear back from her, but I’m not hopeful. If I’d only thought to read that page before I started my application, I never would have gone further, and wouldn’t have cared. Well, at least my resume looks pretty great now.

I’ll be in my bunk

This web site that sells Ex-Masturbator shirts has been around for a while, but the MetaFilter thread on it is hilarious and kind of makes the ridiculousness fun all over again.

Things that do not surprise me

I haven’t lived in Lynchburg, VA for six years (man, the years have flown by!), but I haven’t forgotten what it was like to live there, either. Every now and then I catch up with what’s going on there by visiting the web site of the News and Advance, the local newspaper. I was saddened, but in no way surprised to see this article about Liberty University’s position on evolution (hint: not favorable towards). I know a lot of people who I respect and think the world of who do not believe in evolution either (we agree to disagree), but I think that a whole institute of learning should probably know better than to endorse an untestable, untried, unprovable theory based on the an account written when people still believed that offering sacrifices of animals, vegetables, and PEOPLE could appease the gods.
My kind of alma mater, Randolph College, comes out looking infinitely more reasonable here.

She who hesitates…

I knew knew knew that I wanted to go to Jason Mraz’s Birmingham, UK concert this coming April. I already have a ticket to his Dublin show, but I thought that I might as well see him a couple of times while I’m in the UK and Ireland. I’d even gone so far as to amend my hostel reservation in Dublin to allow me a stop over in Birmingham. So why didn’t I just buy my ticket??? I mean, I bought my Dublin ticket a couple of weeks before I got the plane tickets, so what possible excuse could I have? Today I tried to purchase a ticket, and the concert appears to be sold out. Bother! Now I’m left hoping that 1) new tickets will become available through Livemaster (or whatever they’re calling themselves these days), or 2) I can find a reseller whose prices do not make me feel scalped.

Even if I’m not able to get a ticket, I think I’m still going to head to Birmingham. I read a lot of good things about it online that make me think it will be worth visiting, and that will be something, right? Plus, there is a chance that somebody might be selling reasonably priced tickets outside of the show, although I need to see what the law in the UK says about buying/selling in that situation. Wouldn’t want to run afoul of the law on top of everything else!

Reading really is fundamental. I saw a post on Lifehacker about Syncplicity finally opening their beta to Mac users, and so, having never heard of this software, I read on. The post mentioned something about file sharing, and I was intrigued. I don’t really do the whole file-sharing thing anymore, and I think a lot of other people have moved away from it, too, so I was interested in what Lifehacker recommended.

I downloaded the program, and was initially confused as to how it worked. Where was the interfact? How could I see what other people were offering? Since it was a private beta, I was willing to be a little more trusting and was hoping that I’d find some good and/or rare music. So I read the guide on how to get started, but still wasn’t seeing anything relevant to file-sharing. I went back to Lifehacker to reread the post, and lo and behold, it’s a file SYNCing program, to sync files and content across two (free) or more (paid subscription) computers.

I’m such a dummy. I can’t believe I misread that so many times. If I’d been thinking, which I clearly wasn’t even the program’s name would have tipped me off.

And, just having checked, it seems that MOST of my multitouch gestures are not working with Opera. The only thing that works right off the bat is navigating up and down a page. Bummer.

lolXtians

I don’t often post about knitting on this blog, but I saw something too funny not to share. I just finished making a pair of mittens for my nephew, and the drastic drop in temperature has convinced me that I need to make a pair for myself, too. I wanted to make a pair of convertible mittens, because although traditional mittens are warmer than gloves, they allow for less mobility of the fingers; I would hate to have to pull off a mitten to reach into my bag for something. I was browsing different mittens patterns on Ravelry, and found a reference to “Mittens of the Beast.” I had no idea what that meant, but the name itself is hilarious, so I Googled it and found this blog, which in turn linked to thisgem of a post.

It sounds too stupid to be true, but a Christian knitter saw a pattern for a pair of mittens that included a pocket on top for a Charlie card and wrote a post on the Ravelry forums about how these mittens were for those who had had their skin embedded with RFID chips. She based this incorrect assumption on an unnamed broadcast she claims to have heard that talked specifically about a mittens pattern for those who had been embedded with an RFID chip. One interpretation of the Book of Revelation states that a time will come when people will have to take some form of microchip in order to buy or sell things in this world. This is known as the mark of the beast, and will separate the believers from the hellbait.

Barring how impractical it would be for any municipal transit corp to embed some people with chips when the current crop of plastic cards don’t even work all the time, think about it: why would someone who already had an RFID chip embedded in his or her body need an external pocket in a mitten to somehow speed along the identification process? How could an extra layer of anything between the chip and the sensor be considered as desirable? This is why people should only denigrate technology that they actually understand. This same principle applies to PC users who wander into Mac threads on Engadget. See what I did there?

The thread on the Ravlery forum in which this discussion appeared is still hilarious to read, nearly a year after the fact (you will have to be Ravelry member to read the forum). It’s now closed, but after the first few Reading is Fundamental types agreed with the original poster’s interpretation of the pattern, some cooler heads prevailed and pointed out the exact purpose of the pocket. Of course, idiocy means never having to say you’re sorry, so no genuine apology or expression of remorse followed, although she did admit that she was wrong about this particular heathen pattern. Several people actually pointed out that this kind of thing is why some non-Christians get such a kick out of laughing at illogical, religious Christians, and why evangelicals get such a bad rap.

Anyway, I know that there is a dedicated subset of Christians who live for opportunities to tie the current world to the end of times (DUN DUN DUH!!!!), but these people (and their unbowed descendants) have been wrong for over 150 years, and I’m starting to think they may be trying too hard to connect unrelated things. In order to help them along, I leave them with one bit of advice.The book is called Revelation. I know you’ve been saying it with an extra “s” all these years, mostly because you’ve never read it, but I’m sure that, with practice, you, too can learn the name of your holy book’s final testament. If all else fails, just remember the commercials for 1-800-Mattres: Leave off the last “s” for sinners.

The story behind these mittens amuse me so much that I believe I will be making myself a pair.

Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?

Remember Stephen Lewis, the Murfreesboro Free Press columnist who thought it would be hilarious to rewrite the theme song to The Jeffersons with the Obamas in mind? Well, as the person who commented on my post mentioned, in addition to reworking songs and ridiculing the accents of naturalized Americans in his free time, Mr. Lewis spends his days as a principal of an elementary school. Oh goody, because he is exactly who I want overseeing the next generation! (Overseeing! See what I did there?)

It seems that, in addition to the apology published by the editor of the Free Press, Mr. Lewis emailed his own tepid apology to the parents of those children who attend his school.

Although my hobby as a columnist is not connected directly to my position as principal I should have known better than to attempt to find humor in a subject so sensitive to so many. With all of that being said, I truly apologize to those of you who were offended by my comments.

What an apology, huh? I’m guessing that the school board or whoever actually hired him told him to write that. It certainly doesn’t sound heartfelt. To me, it sounds a lot like, “I’m sorry you overly sensitive whiners can’t take a joke.” I still really cannot believe that anybody would be dumb enough to write that column, but especially somebody who works with diverse populations every day and knows about the standards to which educators are held. How could this have seemed like a good idea? It would have been a terrible thing just to forward to a few friends, so how much more boneheaded was it to submit it for publication in a newspaper? You have to wonder about some people.

For those people who were directed to this post because of its title, George said that in an episode of Seinfeld, a show I generally don’t care about at all, but which I find selectively quotable.

Stupid Internet, ruining everything

Stephen Lewis, a humor columnist at the Murfreesboro Post of Tennessee, wrote an opinion column yesterday that included a song about the Obamas move to Washington. As you may have guessed by its inclusion in this post, this song was not in the best of taste. Mr. Lewis chose to set his “Ode to President Obama” to the tune of “Movin’ On Up,” the theme song to 1970’s-era television show, The Jefferson. Wow, Stephen. That’s Klassy!

Here’s the first verse:
“Well we’re movin’ on up,
To Washington, D.C.
To a deee-luxe pimp pad,
Painted whiiiite.
Yeah we’re movin’ on up,
To the White House.
I’ll be jetting with P. Diddy cross the sky.

Let’s examine the stereotypes found just in those lines (nevermind the rest of the song): We’ve got the missing “g” in “movin,'” because when you’re a black, Harvard-educated lawyer planning at least a 4 year squat in the White House, the last thing you’re thinking about is saying your words properly. Then we’ve got “pimp pad” (I’ll excuse “deee-luxe,” as it is in the original song). Because every black man aspires to being a peddler of women. And of course, what’s the point of being famous and black if you can’t hang out with P. Diddy? Nothing says you’ve reached the zenith of the American political establishment more than hanging out with Sean Combs.

Because newspaper articles on the Internet has the opportunity to reach readers around the world, Mr. Lewis’ stupidity did not stay limited to the Volunteer State. By Monday morning, this article, which initially appeared in the Sunday edition of the Post, was making the rounds on the Internet, offending latte-drinking, arugula-eating leftists and beer-swilling, gun-toting rightists alike. By Monday afternoon, the editor of the Murfeesboro Post, Michael L. Pirtle, had issued something resembling an apology. Here’s a link to Mr. Lewis’s column, with the editor’s note of the usual passive-aggressive sort apologizing “for any offense generated” by this column.