What is “Something I’m going to regret faster than I would have expected,” Alex?

The answer: Legally changing my name to the ridiculous nickname of a television character.

Although Castle has recently supplanted Chuck as my favorite still-running tv show, I am still really enjoying this season of the nerd/spy dramedy. Chuck as both a show and a character had been getting on my nerves ever since the most recent, and probably final, death of Agent Superman (whose actual name I have aleady forgotten).

His abs I remember just fine.

Luckily, the show somehow turned around for me over the last several episodes, and now I’m firmly back on Team Chuck. Even at its worst, Chuck is a smart and funny show that turns its minuscule CGI budget (I guess they’re not too flush after paying all the cool guest stars like Richard Chamberlain, Summer Glau [reunited with her Firefly co-star, the delusional Adam Baldwin], and Nicole’s Future Husband Isaiah Mustafa) into a selling point, instead of a reason for despair.

I guess I’m  not the only one whose life is enriched by Chuck. I watch it for the lulz, and the former Douglas Allen Smith, Jr. watches it for…motivation? I say former because this man’s legal name is now Captain Awesome, which is the nickname of Chuck’s ridiculously good-looking doctor brother-in-law.

Another shirtless/towel pic, merely for comparison's sake. You're welcome, comparison.

I get why this show is so cool and Captain Awesome in particular is pretty special, but why would anybody do this? The real-life Mr. Awesome’s new signature, which is a smiley face bracketed by arrows, has been rejected by his bank because it’s too easy to forge. I can’t even imagine what other stupid consequences he may have to face because of his new name. I think that the judge who granted the name change was smart to allow this; sometimes you have to do really stupid things in order to learn valuable lessons. Unless the world is nicer than I suspect it to be, I give this name change 5 years, tops.

I may never eat again

Below you will find an email that I received from UrbanDaddy. I just joined this site, and I’m pretty sure that I will be unsubscribing rather soon, if this is their idea of something that MUST be shared. I left the contact info at the end, though, in case what makes me vomit in my mouth actually makes you salivate. I simply do not understand why you’d want sausage that tasted like a bacon cheeseburger, instead of just having a bacon cheeseburger.

Served Up
	Introducing the Bacon Cheeseburger Sausage
	Think back to your early days. It seemed perfectly reasonable, even brilliant, to combine all the foods you loved into one glorious superfood. Sure, there were naysayers who thought your chicken nugget pizza terrine was obscene. But you stuck to your guns. And we have a reward for you. Introducing the Bacon Cheeseburger Sausage, a hybrid foodstuff born into this world by superstar butchers Tom Mylan and Brent Young, available now at the Meat Hook, in Williamsburg. If you’re not familiar with these guys, they’re all about “disrespecting” high quality meats. They recommend serving the sausage on a bun, with mustard, at home, as an antidote to fast food cravings. Pair it with cheap beer (more on this later) and let the soul satisfying goodness wash over you. The varied, powerful, sausage ingredient list reads like the roster of the 1927 Yankees (or the cast of The View)—beef shoulder, pork belly, onion, cheap beer (usually Busch or Budweiser), cheese (American, cheddar and bleu), crunchy bacon bits, salt and pepper. And if you’re looking to indulge your old superfood cravings, they take custom sausage orders (in mass quantities). Call ahead and they’ll turn your whims into a meal: Buffalo Chicken Wing Sausage. Taco Chorizo Sausage. Go ahead, say it out loud. The sausage future is wide open. Note: Bacon Cheeseburger Sausage, available now at The Meat Hook, 100 Frost St, Brooklyn, 718-349-5033

More on TSA Mom and Balloon Boy

Just a quick followup to yesterday’s post about Balloon Boy and TSA Mom. Stories about Falcon Heene’s ordeal seeming faked grew louder and louder as the weekend progressed. Gawker posted a weird interview with Robert Thomas, a student who helped the boy’s father, Richard Heene, with his balloon stuff earlier this year. It’s not definitive proof of a hoax on the part of the Heenes (as it’s billed), but it shows how much of a messed up famewhore Richard Heene. As I said yesterday, that’s nothing that couldn’t have been determined by his two appearances on the reality show Wife Swap. Just an hour ago, Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden, who earlier in the weekend said that this was not being considered a hoax, reversed that, and announced the following possible charges against the Heene parents:

Conspiracy
Contributing to the delinquency of a minor (Class 4 felony)
False reporting to authorities (Class 3 Misdemeanor)
Attempting to influence a public servant (Class 4 Felony)

Nic, the woman who wrote of being detained and having her child taken from her by the TSA, has posted a response to those who have questioned her story in light of the release of CCTV footage by the TSA. The post is entitled “My Apologies,” although it seems more defensive than apologetic. She maintains that the video does not show everything that happens, and that at some point, her son was separated from her by the TSA. She says that she doesn’t know why the video doesn’t show things that she stated happened, and I hate to speculate, but I have a theory, and it rhymes with frying….mmmm, frying. I am so hungry right now.

Attention whoredom as the natural progression of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy

Remember in the 80s and 90s, when the topic of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy made the rounds of all the talk shows once or twice a year? You’d have the mothers (it was always mothers) who were just sick over what they’d done to their children, and poor Timmy and Samantha, who were hurt and bewildered that mommy could have hurt them like that. Sally Jesse/Ricki/Oprah/Phil etc. listened and tsked, the audience booed, the moms begged for forgiveness and vowed that they’d changed, and at the end of the hour, all again was right with the world.

But now I feel that the 24-hour cable news cycle and the interwebs have exponentially increased the audience for attention whore parents and simultaneously upped the ante at what has to be done to get sympathy and attention. Now, thankfully, the parents aren’t actually injuring or sickening their children. The sympathy comes from having something awful happen to your children, with no messy poison or beatings required. So there’s that. When I think of Richard Heene (father of Falcon Heene, AKA Balloon Boy) and Nic (no relation, seriously!) from My Bottle’s Up, I wonder if we’re seeing the confluence of Generation Me, people’s desire for fame at any cost, a 24-hour news cycle where not enough things that are deemed interesting happen to justify the depth of coverage, and an Internet audience that is always willing to respond to every real or purported outrage with blog and Twitter posts (I resemble that remark).

I was at work when the Balloon Boy saga began, and read about it quite by accident during routine visits to several news sites. My coworker and I kept refreshing the story on the NY Times’s site; it was the site’s central story, and every twenty minutes or so, a bolded Update: designation would provide more detail. At that point, little was happening, and the updates mostly involved where the balloon was spotted, until the news came that the balloon had landed and was empty. The whole thing was so horrifying, and we were genuinely worried about Falcon Heene. I kept following the story when I got home, although I drew the line at actually watching any of the annoying tv talking heads discuss something they knew nothing about. I just kept refreshing my browser until I read the resolution. I laughed like a loon when I found out that the kid was safe at home the whole time. My reaction was composed of equal parts relief, amusement, and disbelief. Why wouldn’t they have checked the house thoroughly?? My amusement became even greater when it started to look for all the world like the whole thing was engineered by people who knew that the little boy had never even been on the balloon. The world had been duped, and willingly so. The breathless attention paid to the Heenes is rather sick, when you think about it. If the child really had been in the balloon, and something awful had happened to him, what good would have resulted from the insane amount of attention the family was receiving?

TSA Mom was only brought to my attention this morning. I read her account of what happened, and thought, “Wow, that sucks. What is wrong with the TSA?” I’d been at that very airport earlier that morning, and had worn a metal headband that set off the machine. I took it off, walked through again, collected my belongings, and went on to my gate with no problem. I did find it convenient that somebody with such a huge web audience and reputation would have something like that happen, but didn’t necessarily want to speculate on whether what she said was true. Bad things can happen to anybody, even those with a steady blog readership.

The Metafilter thread about this was filled with comments that harshly criticized the TSA, and others that expressed mild or not-so-mild doubt as to the veracity of Nic’s account. I could definitely see where they would find room to doubt her story, but I felt bad just dismissing it out of hand, and erred in my (obviously erroneous) belief that nobody would make up such an awful story. The TSA, sick of the internet trouncing it was receiving over its reported behavior, actually posted the CCTV feed of somebody who they identify as Nic and her son going through security. They are detained in the box for about 2 minutes, but at no point is she separated from her son.

The Heenes were on ABC’s wife swap, so that kind of shows that they’ll do anything to get on tv, but I feel so sorry for Falcon, who doesn’t seem to possess his parents’ desire for limelight. If they do end up getting that reality show, the first item of business will obviously be to recast the youngest child.

As for Nic, I still find it insane that anybody would make up anything like this. I guess she didn’t expect the TSA to take the step of posting the video of her going through security. Maybe she didn’t mean to garner all of this attention, and thought they’d never hear of her claims. Maybe she just thought she’d brazen it out. After all, right now she’s about to go on a vacation and therefore won’t be around the internet much for the next 10 days or so. How convenient!

These people sicken me, because every time something like this happens, I grow a little more cynical and distrustful of people.

Doing it for the children

I find it highly cathartic to write an angry letter every now and then. This is one I emailed to the Georgia O’Keeffe Museum, which is trying to prevent the Georgia O’Keeffe Elementary School from going by the initials GOK, which might diminish or tarnish the artist’s legacy…somehow. Anyway, I like this letter so much that I’m going to print it out, put it in an envelope, sacrifice one of my pretty pretty Jackie Robinson stamps, and allow a mail carrier to deliver it.

************************************************

To those who make the decisions [I considered, and decided against, Dear Wankers]:

I just read this article about your museum, and to tell you the truth, it made me a little sick. You’re a well-respected art museum that apparently has all the grace and compassion of a school-yard bully. It has been said that there’s no such thing as bad press, but I’m pretty sure you know that this is simply not true. We live in the age of the Internet now, and I am always begrudgingly impressed when highly visible entities like the Georgia O’Keeffe Museum display such an appalling lack of awareness of how quickly information spreads via this medium.

I read just a few minutes ago on Metafilter (consistently listed as one of Time Magazine’s Top 25 and PC Magazine’s Top 100 Classic web sites) that your museum is trying to get the Georgia O’Keeffe Elementary School of Albuquerque, NM not to go by its initials, as if having people pronounce “gawk” for GOK would somehow diminish this amazing artist’s legacy. There’s quite a lively discussion going on over at Metafilter about the way that your museum is doing a fine job on its own of tarnishing the legacy of Georgia O’Keeffe. There’s a lot of sympathy in that thread, but none of it lies with you. And I don’t think that Metafilter is somehow unique in its interpretation of this situation. I sincerely doubt that anybody is going to say, “Well, I used to respect Georgia O’Keeffe, but ever since that one elementary school in Santa Fe started going by GOK, I realized how vastly overrated she was as an artist and have since allowed my membership to the Georgia O’Keeffe Museum to lapse.”

More than anything, I wonder what you could be thinking by even allowing your ridiculousness to continue through several rounds of emails, letters, and now the serious threat of legal action. I’m curious to know whether you are somehow unfamiliar with the plight of public schools in this nation in general, and Albuquerque in particular. It’s not as though schools are raking in the dough hand over fist, so why would you think it prudent to threaten the school over its use of Ms. O’Keeffe’s initials? You do realize that she was a former schoolteacher, right? I can’t imagine, if she were still living, that her sympathies would lie with you, either. And let’s not forget the very real fact that the school had this name before your museum even owned the rights to Ms. O’Keeffe’s trademark.

In the olden days (say, the late 1980s), awareness of this story might not have reached very far. Locals might have tsked, and if it was a particularly slow news day, you might have made it onto one of the nightly news programs. Dan Rather would have used some indecipherable phrase to illustrate how dastardly he found your behavior (because “like stealing candy from a baby”) would have been to easy, and Peter Jennings would have said something amazingly erudite that would have made you look like graceless money-grubbers.

But now we’ve got blogs, 24-hour news cycles (it’s always a slow news day somewhere), incessant social networking, and online communities with near-global reach. And just like I’m posting this on my web site, Facebook page, and twitter feed, somebody I know is going to see this and pass it along, too. I’ve got friends all over the world, and being that I am a librarian, several of them work in museums, archives, and libraries. We’re used to feeling like the good guys, and this will be passed along just as a sheer oddity. I mean, shouldn’t an entity dedicated to the preservation of an artist’s works, spirit, and legacy be on the side of education? Who are you saving this legacy for, if not the people who will grow up in a world where knowledge of Georgia O’Keeffe recedes further and further into the past? And what about the students affected by your misguided attempt to prevent the disrespect of Ms. O’Keeffe’s legacy? Let me tell you: you’re doing a heckuva job at disrespecting your raison d’etre all by yourselves. At this point, all that the kids at that school are going to remember is that they were named after a woman whose memory was left in the hands of seriously misguided, greedy people.

I am utterly disgusted by your behavior.

************************************************

So there.

Times are not that desperate

I understand that we’re in a recession, and people are cutting back on paying others to do what they can really do for themselves. Some have learned to cut their own hair; others have done their own nails or forgone artificial tans. Still, I think we can all agree that there are some  things that you shouldn’t try to do for yourself; at some point you just have to admit that if you can’t afford it, it’s better just to wait. And tops on that list would have to be plastic surgery.

Let’s face it, no matter how much better you want to look, elective plastic surgery is not a necessity. It’s expensive, and requires many years of intensive training on cadavers and cadaverous trophy wives before one can really be said to master it. Why, then, did this woman try to perform her own plastic surgery? And then seem surprised when she effed up her face? How could this outcome not have seemed the likeliest to her? Of course, she then had to have an actual doctor perform several corrective surgeries to remove the liquid silicone that she’d injected into her face. Heckuva job, lady.

Oh please, oh please, oh please…

My buddy, Sarah Palin, has decided to step down from her post as governor of Alaska. Initially, people thought that this might be to give her time to get her act together, so that she could run for president in 2012. And, seriously: how sweet would that be? With Palin as the Republican nominee, Obama could introduce Hookers and Blow Tuesdays in the Oval Office and still beat her handily.

The timing of this announcement can only be called curious; much like Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey’s announcement of their divorce immediately prior to Thanksgiving, Ms. Palin’s July 3 press conference seems like nothing so much as an attempt to dodge as much of the media as possible during this holiday break. The Mudflats, a web site from Alaska that I visited a few times during the presidential election, linked to a transcript of Ms. Palin’s speech and provided some speculation as to why she would step down as governor (rhymes with “skimbezzlement”).

I wonder, too, if this has anything to do with the tell-all book about Ms. Palin that is being written by Steve Schmidt, her former campaign strategist (and the guy who picked her to run with John McCain; do we really trust his judgment anymore??); Gawker had a juicy tidbit from it the other day, and if the rest of it is as forehead-slappingly stupid as this bit, no wonder the woman wants out before publication. Gawker also speculates as to why the Alaska governor decided to resign her post.

Doing a quick look around the tubes and twitter, it seems that trouble with the IRS is the most prevalent theory. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

Where do you go from here?

There are a lot of shows whose premises make them seem like they’d make decent tv movies, but which don’t seem supportable over the course of a season. Amanda Bynes’s new show sounds like such a program. It’s called Canned, and it’s about a bunch of young friends who are all fired on the same day. Hilarious, right? Okay, not really. But still: how do you drag that out across a season (I say one season because, let’s be honest, right now nothing about this premise screams renewal)? I guess there must be more to it than that, right? Because otherwise, it’s pretty lame. Sounds like it may last as long Jerry O’Connell’s hotel show.

Conflicted

I read this article about military wives supplementing their families’ incomes by becoming surrogate mothers. At first read I thought, “What a beautiful thing to do for somebody else.” The main person chronicled in this article, Angel Howard, is a 32-year-old mother of 6 whose husband is in Iraq. When her husband was home, she was able to take part-time jobs, but now that he’s back in Iraq, she’s at home full time. That means that she needs to stretch $56,000 to cover all of her family’s needs. To put it another way, this family of eight have less to live on than I bring in by myself.

After two failures, Howard was able to conceive, and is currently carrying twins for Esteban and Jean-Michel (okay, how cute are those names? I bet they’re adorable together), a gay French couple. The part that I feel conflicted about is that Angel is using her military health insurance to pay for the pregnancy, even though the insurer states that pregnant surrogates should cover their own costs. Angel is going to get about $25,000 from the couple for carrying the babies to term, plus a bonus for not needing the prospective parents to pay for her healthcare during the pregnancy.

What about the thousands or millions of uninsured pregnant American women who are not able to get reliable, necessary healthcare for themselves and their unborn children? For whom there will not be further financial benefit at the end of their pregnancies? While the best solution is a fairer system all around, I am bothered by what seems to me to be an abuse of the current military healthcare system.

Also, and this is something else entirely, I’ve wondered what happens when people allow newspapers, tv shows, blogs, and magazines to profile them admitting to behaviors that could have detrimental effects on their lives. What if Ms. Howard’s insurer insists that she reimburse them for the costs of her current pregnancy, or refuse to cover any subsequent pregnancies? I mean, seriously people. Isn’t shutting your mouth and supporting your family worth more than giving the Army the finger in print?

lolXtians

I don’t often post about knitting on this blog, but I saw something too funny not to share. I just finished making a pair of mittens for my nephew, and the drastic drop in temperature has convinced me that I need to make a pair for myself, too. I wanted to make a pair of convertible mittens, because although traditional mittens are warmer than gloves, they allow for less mobility of the fingers; I would hate to have to pull off a mitten to reach into my bag for something. I was browsing different mittens patterns on Ravelry, and found a reference to “Mittens of the Beast.” I had no idea what that meant, but the name itself is hilarious, so I Googled it and found this blog, which in turn linked to thisgem of a post.

It sounds too stupid to be true, but a Christian knitter saw a pattern for a pair of mittens that included a pocket on top for a Charlie card and wrote a post on the Ravelry forums about how these mittens were for those who had had their skin embedded with RFID chips. She based this incorrect assumption on an unnamed broadcast she claims to have heard that talked specifically about a mittens pattern for those who had been embedded with an RFID chip. One interpretation of the Book of Revelation states that a time will come when people will have to take some form of microchip in order to buy or sell things in this world. This is known as the mark of the beast, and will separate the believers from the hellbait.

Barring how impractical it would be for any municipal transit corp to embed some people with chips when the current crop of plastic cards don’t even work all the time, think about it: why would someone who already had an RFID chip embedded in his or her body need an external pocket in a mitten to somehow speed along the identification process? How could an extra layer of anything between the chip and the sensor be considered as desirable? This is why people should only denigrate technology that they actually understand. This same principle applies to PC users who wander into Mac threads on Engadget. See what I did there?

The thread on the Ravlery forum in which this discussion appeared is still hilarious to read, nearly a year after the fact (you will have to be Ravelry member to read the forum). It’s now closed, but after the first few Reading is Fundamental types agreed with the original poster’s interpretation of the pattern, some cooler heads prevailed and pointed out the exact purpose of the pocket. Of course, idiocy means never having to say you’re sorry, so no genuine apology or expression of remorse followed, although she did admit that she was wrong about this particular heathen pattern. Several people actually pointed out that this kind of thing is why some non-Christians get such a kick out of laughing at illogical, religious Christians, and why evangelicals get such a bad rap.

Anyway, I know that there is a dedicated subset of Christians who live for opportunities to tie the current world to the end of times (DUN DUN DUH!!!!), but these people (and their unbowed descendants) have been wrong for over 150 years, and I’m starting to think they may be trying too hard to connect unrelated things. In order to help them along, I leave them with one bit of advice.The book is called Revelation. I know you’ve been saying it with an extra “s” all these years, mostly because you’ve never read it, but I’m sure that, with practice, you, too can learn the name of your holy book’s final testament. If all else fails, just remember the commercials for 1-800-Mattres: Leave off the last “s” for sinners.

The story behind these mittens amuse me so much that I believe I will be making myself a pair.