You could knock me over with a feather

Holy crap, y’all! Tim Gunn was Irina’s teacher when she was at Parsons!!! How did I not know this? I know that I haven’t paid a TON of attention to the (later) episodes of this season, but I’m fairly certain that this wasn’t mentioned. I have to say that he did a good job of never looking like he was favoring her, nor of treating her any more severely than the other contestants. I also love that Tim had absolutely no problem naming names regarding contestants who he did find obnoxious: Cat-throwing Kenley, Victoria, and Vincent. I still don’t find this season to be as compelling as previous ones, but I am interested to see who wins this Thursday. The smart money is on Irina or Althea, but I hope that Carol Hannah wins. She’s nice, not insane, and would have adorably spacey babies with Logan.

Fashion Headlines

Week 5 of Project Runway opens in the apartment that Qristyl left. The remaining residents mention how it’s now quieter. I am not surprised about that. Then, in another apartment, Johnny starts to emote about being in the bottom three last week. He never wants to be there again!! Really? Why ever not, Johnny? I guess that stating the completely obvious is part and parcel of reality television, and it gives me something to laugh at, but jeez, people. Anyway, then Althea says that she doesn’t want the judges to think that her win was a fluke. I’ve liked pretty much everything she’s done so far and she hasn’t been in danger before, so I think that if she can going in the same direction and avoid allowing the stress to get to her, she’ll be okay.

Irina is a total bitch. Last week she said that Althea’s design looked like crap, and then Althea won. Handily. So it looks like Irina’s comments were based less in reality and more in jealousy. Hey, that’s cool with me. We haven’t had a genuinely bitchy female contestant since Wendy Pepper (Kenley was more petulant than evil). So when does everybody else find out about Irina? Because I think they don’t know yet. Her evilness, combined with the generally beautiful clothes that she makes, might carry her a long way in this competition.

And then Nicholas says that Johnny and Irina don’t belong, and that, really, nobody else does, because he’s obviously going to win. Nicholas, who I passed on the street on Wednesday! Shut up, it was exciting. I am going to mention this at least once more. On the Runway, Heidi once again comes out looking a million times better than any of the models will this entire episode. For them, being around her must induce one part inspiration and two parts despair. Okay, so the designers are going on another field trip and Heidi says that the answers will be in black and white. Answers? What was the question? I don’t know why they’re always so excited about this. These things never end well. Anyway, the black and white clue, combined with the episode title “Fashion Headlines,” makes me worry about whether the designers will have to talk to and then design for journalists. And then they end up at the LA Times. Oh my goodness. They are so puzzled. They are introduced to the paper’s fashion editor, and their eyes glaze over a bit until they’re told that they’re going to be working with actual newspaper. Then they are all like, “AAAAAHHHH”! I love it!

They’re allowed to take all the paper they can carry. Some of these designers are not big people, so that could be a problem, but Evil Irina wonders why everybody else is taking so much paper: “They’re dressing a human, not an elephant,” so maybe that’s not the biggest deal. The designers can use paint and glue, and they can have a muslin base to their garment, although it can’t show. Then Tim Gunn gives everybody a bit of education about paper clothing. I love Tim Gunn. He’s such a teacher.

One by one, the designers are freaking out about different aspects of the challenge: Althea doesn’t know how paper drapes; Carol Hannah has to dye the sheets first so they’ll dry, but she doesn’t like the color she’s getting; Nicholas is like, “huh, paper?” and fears he’ll end up going home. Irina’s idea is to make the paper look like fabric. This is either a great idea or a horrible one. Shirin’s dress is pretty cute; she’s using shellac to do the bodice and is talking a mile a minute. There are reaction shots showing the other designers’ faces when she talks. Logan says that he’s never met a small woman who made so much noise. I think Shirin must be one of those people who you either find adorable or annoying. I think she’s cute, but I’ve also never tried to work with her blathering behind me. Nicholas, who is the same age as Shirin, says that she makes him feel so old, and is complete baffled by her babbling.

Johnny loves his dress, which is going to be like large scale origami and painted red, and Nicholas hates it: “This is just some wrinkled paper with pig’s blood all over it.” Oh yeah, he went there with a Carrie reference. I don’t know why, but Nicholas is totally growing on me. He’s just so over everybody on this show and unlike some people (IRINA), his comments don’t seem rooted in envy.

Ra’Mon is excited by being able to use paper. Louise (love her!), is making a headline dress. She might be the only person who is not seeking to transform the newspaper into something else. Tim visits the room, starting with Gordana. She was going to do two items, a boring dress with something about change written on it, and then a stunning piece with dyed newspaper folded into cool shapes and shaped like a fabric dress. Tim loves this one, because there’s no fabric foundation, and tells her to ditch the other one entirely. “What a great way to start!”

Althea says the words “shoulder pads” and I get really worried. I think that Tim is disappointed, too, because he reminds her that she has immunity, and therefore can do whatever she wants. He confirms this by saying that he’s disappointed and that she should look at the paper upside down, to see abstract shapes and not so much just newsprint. Then it’s over to Irina’s workstation. She has made a dress, but doesn’t like the way it hangs. She considers doing a coat with a muslin backing, and Tim reminds her of the paper raincoat of 1968 (remember that old thing?), which was not backed by muslin.

Then Tim strolls over to Johnny, and has to break it to him: that dress is not awesome. It is not classy, it will not will be anything but a one-way ticket home. But Johnny’s sensitive and such, so Tim just encapsulates all that by saying it looks like a craft project, or that a bunch of kindergartners did it. Tim Gunn is saying that I, or perhaps Satanski, could make this dress. If you knew my nephew, or about my attempts at any craft not called knitting, you’d understand how much of an insult this really is. Johnny tries to explain that it’s like the birds at the top are holding up the dress, and Tim says it looks more like the birds attacked the dress. The other designers laugh, because this is true, and also because they hate Johnny. Johnny, you must know that when Tim has said that it looks like a gang of small children could have made your garment, no amount of explaining is going to get him to like it. Then Johnny interviews that his reaction was “Ouch” and he’ll be starting something else, with 4.5 hours to go before the end of the day.

Nicholas and Tim have a boring conversation about Nicholas’s work, but the word “craft” does not come up in their brief discussion, so I think that we can all agree that that went better than the confab with Johnny. Then it’s Christopher’s turn. He says that he wants a showstopper, and Tim seems really impressed by the idea. So much so that Tim cuts short the discussion so that Christopher can continue work on his dress. I know that Tim must have met with all of the other designers, too, but those meeting aren’t shown. I guess we know who won’t be in the top and bottom of the pack.

Johnny starts over again and lays out the squares he’ll need for his new design. Irina says that she was inspired by Tim, and will  construct a coat entirely out of paper (without muslin) now that she knows it can be done. Nicholas’s says that his dress is inspired by the 90s’ punk rock club scene. Althea’s dress looks really pretty. Johnny is no longer sure what he’s doing, which is probably the smartest thing he’s said all series. The model come in and are in love with the idea of garments made out of newspaper; they all seem blown away by what the designers have done. Shirin’s dress is heavy, and will also be strapless. The potential for disaster is intriguing.

Oh my goodness, will they please kick Johnny off the show? By now, it’s clear that pathetic is his default mode, and I don’t want to deal with it anymore. Sack up, man! He tells his model that he made another dress, because he had an incident with a steamer and the paper in his first dress started to split. In an interview, Nicholas calls shenanigans, saying that there isn’t even a steamer in the sewing room that day. Shirin baldly says, “Johnny made up this lie.” With two hours to work before that day’s deadline and his second awful dress on the form, Johnny sits down and does a crossword puzzle. This has shades of Mitchell’s bouncing around the workroom, and we all know how that worked out for him. And Johnny doesn’t even have a competent designer doing all of his work for him!

At the apartment later, he tells the same story to Ra’Mon, whose reaction I can’t gauge. In another apartment, male and female designers are sitting around and laughing at the ridiculousness that is Johnny. Now we’re on the next day. Epperson says about Johnny, “He’s still here for a reason.” At first I worry that Epperson is going to go all Magical Negro on them, but then he pulls out the awesome with his explanation: ” Comic relief.”

The designers have two hours to get everything done and prepare for the runway show. Johnny, who was doing the freaking crossword the night before, now complains that he doesn’t have the time to carry out his vision. From one procrastinator to another, it must be said: “Johnny, you have nobody to blame but yourself.” Althea and Ra’Mon don’t think that Irina’s coat, which is shaped newsprint, fits in with the amount of work that everybody else has done, and they are totally obvious and bitchy about discussing it. First Epperson, now Althea? Everybody’s getting meaner. Gordana is in love with her dress, and I don’t blame her at all. Nicholas hopes that the judges tear Johnny apart for his dress, which Johnny call’s Nicholas’s design stupid. Meow, these two really do not like one another.

And now for the runway show! Joining Heidi as judges are Tommy Hilfiger, Zoe Glassner again, and Eva Longoria Parker. Whatever Eva. I want Jen Rade to come back. Logan’s dress is super cute. It’s Asian-inspired and I love the blue on white. Christopher’s dress moves well, but I’m not seeing the wow factor that he said he was going for. Ra’Mon’s two pieces are adorable. Epperson’s dress is very costume-y. Make it a 3x, and I could totally see Chris March in it. Johnny is explaining away his short, boring dress in his voice-over; this is not a good sign. Gordana’s dress looks great on the runway and you can’t even tell it’s paper. In my opinion, Carol Hannah’s gown is more of a showstopper than Christopher’s. The skirt of Shirin’s dress actually reminds me of the skirts on Leanne Marshall’s final collection. Different medium, I know, but it’s the first thing that came to mind. Of course, this means that this strapless dress is totally cute. Although she’s sort of evil, I have to say that I love Irina’s coat. Whoa, Althea’s dress is gorgeous! I’m not in love with Louise’s dress. The skirt popped up in the sort of peek-a-boo that no woman wants to see in her skirt.

Christopher, Nicholas, Johnny, Irina, Althea, and Gordana are asked to remain onstage. Carol Hannah, you were robbed! The judges are crazy about Althea’s dress. Gordana’s dress is so nice, but so obviously made to look not like paper, that the judges are a bit bored by it. Irina’s coat wins raves, although Tommy Hilfiger does not love the visible tape at the back or the length. And then it’s Johnny’s turn! Wait, let me get some popcorn.

Okay, I’m back. Heidi asks how much time he spent on the dress. He tells the steamer lie again, and says that he didn’t have a lot of time to work on this dress. He does not mention the crossword puzzle. Heidi tells him that the short dress, combined with the aggressive hair, makeup, and red heels, made his model look like a prosiitute.  The best part of this exchange my realization that this interpretation of his look absolutely never occurred to him before Heidi said it. Zoe Glassner inexplicably likes his design. For real, bring back Jen Rade. Johnny lies about the awesomeness of his previous garment, saying that it was like a Dior, and Nicholas shakes his head. Heidi asks why, and he describes the original dress as “a red mess.” Johnny says a sarcastic thanks, but really, why lie about something that everybody else saw? Earlier he admitted that the dress hadn’t been as awesome as he thought it was, so why would he bother to make up the Dior/steamer story in the first place? I don’t get it. Nicholas explains that it was the bird remark from Tim, not a steamer accident, that prompted Johnny to change designs. Johnny says that Nicholas threw him under the bus and calls him a jerk. Tension!

The judges then move onto asking Nicholas about his own work. He doesn’t fare much better than Johnny, when he explains his punk club kid inspiration. They’re not seeing it. Zoe says it looks like an insect. Suddenly Nicholas vs Johnny has become a million times more interesting. Christopher is the final designer in the top three. He explains his inspiration to the judges, and I guess they get him better than I do, because they love his dress. The designers leave the stage and the judges get down to discussing stuff.

The highlights: Christopher has taken a risk! Althea has shaped her dress beautifully! Irina’s coat is dramatic without being gimicky. Now for the bad. I understand that, in the interest of symmetry, there needs to be three people in the bottom, but I don’t for a second believe that Gordana is in any danger. Her only problem is that she has made a paper dress that too-convincingly mimics fabric. The judges agree with me on this, and move on from her pretty quickly. The judges don’t get Nicholas’s dress or its construction, and don’t see anything punk about it. With Johnny, the truthfulness of his story is called into question, and they talk about the underwhelming nature of his dress.

Predictions: Althea or Irina will win. I think that Johnny will be the one sent home.

We move onto the results. Yay! Irina won. A good villain can only stick around if he or she wins sometimes. I wonder if this will help with that jealousy problem. I love how she says that this victory is overdue. Also, assuming he makes it to next week, I trust this will stop Nicholas from putting her on his list of people who will be going home sooner rather than later. Althea and Gordana are dismissed from the stage. The final countdown music plays, and then Nicholas is told that he’s in. Later, Johnny! If you’d put more effort into this, I’d feel worse about you being sent home. The nugget of wisdom that he chooses to share with us? “There’s something bigger on the horizon for me.” Unless we’re talking about a looming relapse, I really doubt it.

Backstage, the lie that Johnny told on the runway forces Tim out of his usual zen state; he actually start talking about Johnny while the man is still cleaning his workspace. Cold! Designers of America, let that be a lesson: you do not mess with Tim Gunn!!! I really don’t get it. How did Johnny think that he’d get away with that kind of lie? This is a competition, not summer camp; no other designer was going to keep quiet about that kind of fiction at the expense of his or her own chances.

Hands down, this was the best episode of the season, and sure to please those who said there wasn’t enough drama or challenge happening.

What a woman wants

The fourth week of Project Runway starts with the guys talking about stepping up their game, now that the competition is getting harder. Nicholas says that the talentless people are going to get weeded out. One can only hope.

In Estrogenland, Qristyl is talking about how she is the b-i-t-c-h of the show. And I don’t know why she spelled that out, instead of saying it. Is she trying to protect the virgin ears of the younger designers? I really don’t understand anything about this woman, including how she made it this far. And then Gorgana, who is amazing (AMAZING!), succinctly explains that Spell Check’s troubles started because she didn’t stand up for herself early enough. She responds to this assistance by saying, “Anyway,” and completely ignoring Gordana. B-i-t-c-h!

Everybody’s ready to tackle the newest challenge. Heidi meets them on the runway and tells them that there are 13 women waiting for them in the workroom, and the assignment is to make these women happy. Who are these women? Their models. They’re happy, because they don’t have to sully themselves with the deformed bodies of people with greater than 5% body fat. Whew.

They have a decent amount of time to talk with the models, a good budget, and enough time to shop at Mood, so you know there has to be a catch: this is the first one-day challenge. Johnny, “It’s like designing something for myself, if I was a black girl.” I have no idea how to interpret that statement. Some of these girls have awful taste. It’s refreshing.

Watching the designers shop is informative. I could see them trying to incorporate the wishes of their clients into something that still represents them as designers. Spell Check’s model likes warm colors like brown and black, which of course isn’t Qristyl’s aesthetic, at all.

Althea called a smoking jacket, a cigarette jacket. She’s cute! Christopher’s green is GREEN. Wow. Spell Check’s work is a mess, as usual. Logan is unsure about his garment, and it shows. A lot of people are in trouble! Carol Hannah’s dress is cute on the bottom, but may be too old for the model. Oohh. Epperson calls his family, and cries while thinking about them, talking to them, and then back in the work room. How cute! Wow, I really like everything today. This just won’t do.

Spell Check decides to redo her dress entirely. Althea’s model thinks the dress is matronly, but Althea is like, “Whatever, walking hanger. Less of your opinions, more of my handwork.” Qristyl’s new dress is nice, but she’s not sure whether it’s too simple. For her, that’s probably the point at which she should stop. I doubt she’ll see it that way, though.

Logan keeps walking around shirtless. Please don’t get eliminated, please! He is by far the hottest designer. It’s fun to hear the designers try to be objective about each other’s work, because they’re all really opinionated. I like it when, like Irina, they just say what they think, without offering qualifiers.

Heidi is the only regular judge we have this week. Remember when the judges used to care about Tim Gunn’s input? I know that time was a year and a different network ago, but I miss those days. This week’s replacement judges are (not top) American designer Mark Bouwer; Marie Claire editor Zoe Glassner; and costume designer/celebrity stylist Jennifer Rade. Mark Bouwer’s hair is ridiculous and Jennifer Rade has crazy eyes. Zoe Glassner looks like somebody I could laugh with, and is as adorable here as she was in Running in Heels, a show that I never watched. I can’t even take Bouwer’s opinions seriously, because anybody who chooses to sport hair that tragic is immediately suspect in all other matters of judgment. I would like to know why there have been so many guest judges this season. Are Kors and Garcia getting too expensive or something? I miss them.

Amazingly, I didn’t hate Spell Check’s dress. It’s plain, but the back is kind of cute. I do not love Nicholas’s dress as much as he does, but then again, I never do. If self-confidence translated into judges’ votes, then Nicholas would be a three-time champion already this season. I love Irina’s dress. The pattern is doing a lot of the work for her, but the construction is great, too. I wish that I had Shirin’s dress. It’s lovely and that shade of purple is my favorite color. Logan’s dress looks like a cute prom dress. Epperson’s dress is great. Johnny’s dress is also a little prom-ish. The Queen Anne collar on Louise’s dress is amazing. That reminds me that I have a purple dress with that same neckline that I have yet to wear. Parties, my friends!!! Have more of them.

Althea’s three pieces are ambitious, and could go either way. Ra’Mon’s look is just alright, but he has immunity from last week, so whatever. Carol Hannah’s dress is striking. Wow. Not many of the looks that I love made it to the best of/worst of part of the judging. Sorry, Irina and Louise. I hope that your consistently excellent work will be recognized at some point during this season.

Carol Hannah is one of the goods. She says “y’all” and utterly charms Heidi. The key word when judging Logan is “prom.” So I wasn’t alone on that. Also, and this is a direct quote from Jennifer Rade, another one of the guest judges, “You’re really cute, and I like your pants and your sneakers.” You thought I was being shallow before, but I know how this show works! Logan good-naturedly says that he hopes that that factors into the judging. Epperson’s dress is also one of the good looks. I’m glad he was able to rebound from last week. Mark Bouwer thinks the dress is great, and Heidi likes it too, but thinks that the model’s girls should have been hoisted. She then concedes that that might be a product of having modeled for Victoria’s Secret for so long: everything always has to be perky. Johnny is one of the bad looks and one of the judges utters the word “bridesmaid.” Ouch, but I can see it. Qristyl is getting crap for the safety of her choice. Still, it’s better than anything else she’s produced so far during this show.  Her model says that she really likes the dress, which the judges think ages her, but then Jen Rade slams that door quickly by pointing out that the model is a model, and isn’t a designer. I don’t think any of the “no” looks onstage right now is awful, but it has to be Qristyl who goes home. Like Mitchell before her, she’s just appeared too many times in the bottom three. I think that Althea is going to win this one, although the more I think about it, the better I like Carol Hannah’s dress.

Judging: Epperson touches hands with Qristyl as he leaves the stage, and I’m glad to see that their bad blood from last week is cleared before Qristyl has to pack up. Oops! I’m just guessing here, folks, but all signs point to a better-spelled future for this season of Project Runway.  Althea is named the winner and is greeted backstage with sincere hugs and smiles. Carol Hannah and Johnny are told they can leave, so it’s either the bad designer or the hot dude who has to go home.

Gee, what do you know? Qristyl has to go home. Later, Spell Check! As Logan leaves the stage, he tries to give her a pat, which she turns into a hug. He breaks free as soon as humanly possible, as if her crappy design skills are catching. Like every other person who has been kicked off this show, Qristyl KNOWS THAT SHE’S A GREAT DESIGNER, and she has SO MUCH MORE TO SHOW THE WORLD, which she DIDN’T GET THE CHANCE to do, because she was definitely SENT HOME TOO SOON. Did I cover all the cliches? Just how many more chances would she have needed to mess up before this mythical wowing would have taken place? I fear that the average human life cycle does not contain the necessary number of weeks. Anyway, we no longer have to care about Spell Check, because we will not see her again until the reunion show, by which time I almost certainly will have forgotten her. I love reading my old reviews from last season, and realizing that if I passed almost any of the designers from last season, take Keith for example, while walking down the street, I would maybe find his face familiar but not recognize him at all.